


He Tian

by KangAeri



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Basketball, Broken Families, Broken Promises, Canon Bisexual Character, Caring, Daddy Issues, Darkness, Debt, Dick Pics, Disappointment, Earrings, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, Family Issues, Fist Fights, Flashbacks, Fluff and Humor, Friendship, Gangs, Horny Teenagers, Hurt Mo Guan Shan, Insomnia, M/M, Masturbation, Middle School, Money, Nightmares, Real Life, Regret, Repaying Debt, Sandwiches, School, Sweet He Tian, Teen Angst, Teen Crush, Teen Romance, Teen Years, Teenage Drama, Texting, Underage Drinking, Underage Masturbation, Underage Smoking, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-06
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-06-22 21:42:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 15,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19681078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KangAeri/pseuds/KangAeri
Summary: The evening streets were filled with the noises of different strangers walking past him all going their own ways.Some were getting of work still in their sweat drenched business suits, after enduring the daily routine clearly written in their faces.Nothing new.Others were walking in groups filled with giggles, expressing their tipsiness in a cheerful way.They spread an atmosphere with which he would rather be surrounded right now, in the way they were looking ahead to owning the fun promising night that had yet to come.And in between all of them were the individuals.You could spend hours looking at them to figure out what they were up to, which destination they were heading to, but that would rather be useless because you would never be able to know.They were just like him.He Tian.





	1. Before I Met Him

It was one of those days which just made him feel empty on the inside, no matter what he did. The sun has slowly sat behind the city taking the warmth of the already passed day away. While a cold breeze of evening air hit his skin and claimed the remaining warmth left in his body, leaving him entirely cold in exchange. The only things mattering to him now, being the loud thoughts repeatedly circling around in his head and the mild vibration coming from his phone, which was located in his heavy back pockets. Back pockets full of change from the convenience store.

_I would probably kill for a cigarette right now…_

It was around _10pm_ when he went through the stuffed and crowded streets near his apartment block. A modern downtown area with lots of cafés to chill in on one side and clubs and restaurants for the all-nighters on the other side. As he walked further away from the convenience store he saw the all too familiar brick walls at his right, that were supposed to seem vintage and artistic. One of many strange mainstream decorations in this area. The only good thing about them being that they were free to be sprayed, which meant at least a little bit of change in this to him already boring appearing neighborhood. 

Considering that he wasn't into art at all he didn't really care much about them, but even so passing them on a daily basis he had to admit, that at times the arts portrayed on them came to capture his eyes. It didn't happen often, but when it happened it wasn't hard to guess that the graffiti was made by some crazy pro that was sinly good at what he was doing. 

Still on a Sunday like this one that definitely wasn't the case. Instead of some sort of heavenly good graffiti he was only greeted by a bunch of students, probably around his age. It wouldn't even be a surprise to him if some familiar looking faces would pop out in between them. 

He always had been a social butterfly on the surface, messing around with a lot of people. In fact so many he couldn't even keep track of them by now. He honestly didn't try anymore. Still his social activity couldn't change anything about the deepness those relationships had. _None._

Nobody ever had the guts to scratch past his surface. No wonder bearing in mind, that the thing he was particularly best at was maintaining his facade.

He has been surrounded by those fake people for all his life now and he used to never complaint about them. It all became so normal to him, that he legitly taught he got used to the pretended friendliness. But he was proved wrong just recently, when all the play started to be so unbearable and annoying to him. 

And as for now nothing could change the way he couldn't bother less about the teens, only giving a quick glance towards their direction. Girls flirting with skateboard owning guys, the sounds of loud chart music playing and some sprayers wasting their colors onto the brick walls, to smear down meaningless hipster quotes. 

'You were born to be real. Not perfect.' 

_The usual, of course what_ _else?_ he thought to himself less ironically and rather annoyed. He wondered if they even spoke enough English to understand what useless stuff they were writing down, as he looked upwards. He saw the high glas buildings standing up against the sky, right above all these noise filled gather around places. _And again no single_ _change_. Inside of those buildings were expensive apartments, gyms, bars and sometimes even pools. Summed up you could say that they were filled with all kinds of high class shit, fitting perfectly into this district owned by the rich youth in the streets. That he had to live in one of those buildings was just one more unpleasant fact, adding to the whole shittiness of his situation. 

At the moment whatsoever, he was packed with bags full of instant noodles, that he had bought in an attempt to kill out the lingering feeling in his chest. He couldn't help but sigh depressed as he fiddled with the annoying plastic of the bags. 

There it was again _the feeling_. 

The feeling that was always there to burden his heart. It never disappeared yet somehow managed to drive him crazy in all kinds of new ways. Basically a feeling that desperately needed to be replaced with a stomach full of instant shit right fucking now. Because damn he wasn't the emotional type at all and he definitely needed to distract himself, even if only for a little part of this never ending day.

The evening streets were filled with the noises of different strangers walking past him all going their own ways. Some were getting of work still in their sweat drenched business suits, after enduring the daily routine clearly written in their faces. No _thing_ _new_. Others were walking in groups filled with giggles, expressing their tipsiness in a cheerful way. They spread an atmosphere with which he would rather be surrounded right now, in the way they were looking ahead to owning the fun promising night that had yet to come. And in between all of them were the individuals. You could spend hours looking at them to figure out what they were up to, which destination they were heading to, but that would rather be useless because you would never be able to know. They were just like him. 

He Tian. 

To others he seemed like a God especially in the social world :

Good looks, athletic, perfect grades, a charming personality that made everyone swoon over him. He Tian was simply flawless and as if that wouldn't have already been enough he was _"blessed_ " with a whole bunch of money as well. _Right…blessed with money._ The thing everyone in this world seemed to crave for impatiently. Everyone but him. 

Back in the days of his childhood the spark called money, that at first looked like an advantage in life, especially against others, soon started to grow into a fire in little Tian's world. With its growth it managed to slowly burn down every little possibility left of people approaching him with sincerity and real intentions. 

And it didn't took him long to realise that he lived life differently than most of the other people around him passing the streets. No worries, thousands of opportunities lying ahead of him and nothing in sight that couldn't be managed by him or the power of his name. _'He'_ a name standing equal to the power of money given through it, at least that was what everyone else thought and saw. _Who even cares how it really_ _was?_ He grew up as part of that **He** **Clan**. An empire built by the man who brought him into this mess of a life. Some call him Boss, some Mr. He, others would call him his father, but Tian would never even dare to think of him as such. 

After all he was the reason he spend a childhood being raised by maids or people that would grant him everything if he just asked. In one aspect all of them were equal: They didn't gave him the love neither the care a child his age would have needed growing up. Except, caring for your own paycheck and accepting to raise someone else's kid for it, counted as caring.

_I doubt that._

Besides them there also was his older brother named 'He Cheng', the last person he wanted to think about right now. His child self's world wasn't filled with anything but lots of adults, playtime for himself and practice lessons in self defense and several school subjects. His good grades didn't came from nowhere after all. Long story short a childhood with no loving family or a father ever around. Back then, being with servants all his life, the joy that came through finally meeting other children and getting to know the world outside of the He Mansion, was indescribable to little Tian. It made him ecstatic like never before, for the most part because he wasn't used to this kind of happiness, rather used to being alone. Everything seemed so unbelievably easy yet the sweet lie couldn't fool him long enough for him to have something that you could call a happy childhood. Not even something close. Reality certainly had other plans and revealed itself to him way earlier than to other children this young. 

In conclusion right after the short lasting high, came the collapse with a following downfall. He slowly started to realize what happened around him the moment he turned his back towards the friendly smiling faces. One thing specifically besides the thoughtless whispers of admiration and envy or the judgemental phrases like 'spoiled brat' and 'born with a gold spoon' had stayed in his mind to this very day. It was back in kindergarten when he and another boy argued over a toy. As children are and specifically He Tian was, he went all in on it. No wonder, since he was raised to be stronger than anyone else from the moment he took his first breath. To this day that life lesson, of always having more strength than your opponent, remained branded into his brain and body. It has been his first little fight and the first of many times, that made him realize how miserable the power of money would make him feel. 

The trigger has been the boy with whom he didn't get along with from their first glance on. It was a childish little hate towards each other coming from both parties. However nothing unusual for two little boys as different as they were. The thing that really has been unusual was that the boy, who earlier had swinged his little fists at him, later on came over offering him candy and friendship with a smile. 

_A smile I will never forget._

Reasonable, since the peace willing offer had followed right after a beating and lots of cursing from the, in He Tian's memories already nameless, boy's mother. 

'How could you do that?! Don't you know who his parents are?! You should better get on his good side! Can't you imagine what benefits such a friend has, you brat?!' Words thrown at the boy, right after his mother had tossed around words of apology and embarrassed smiles towards He Tian's older Brother. 

After a while he had already guessed that he was never supposed to see neither the scolding, nor the pathetic apologies received by He Cheng but he did. He saw them, just like he started to see with how much distance everyone was actually treating him. 

Back then seeing the beaten face of his kindergarten rival, giving him an anxious smile as he insisted on being friends, pulled a trigger within him.

 _So that's what defeat looks like_.

A taste of reality that got stronger with every word he overheard behind his back. He just had learned that those secretly spoken words were the only real ones and built up his own conclusions afterwards, like children always do. The lies about friendship and care given to him before became meaningless from that point on. Little Tian decided that if honesty and emotions ended in getting hurt, they wouldn't be his thing, not in in this life at least. 

_Who knows? Maybe in another one._

You could try to describe the whole process and further triggers but they would all lead to the same conclusion anyways.

 _I never want to stand on the receiving_ _side._

 _I have to be stronger_. He became fake. Fake like everyone else around him, in order to never have to wear a face of defeat while being looked down upon. Immature and young as he was he didn't knew those conclusions would lead him here. To a path of constantly burying his thoughts and feelings. A burden way to heavy to hold for himself and simultaneously a burden with no room for others to get close to him. 

And as for today still nothing has changed in his life at least not for the good. 

It still wouldn't be him whom they cared for, when asking about how his weekend has been tomorrow morning in school. And comparably it wasn't him they wanted to get to know, when talking about his favorite foods, sports and animals. It wasn't sincere curiosity about He Tian. Rather it was just the craving for his wealth and connections that made them curious on how to get into his pants. Each one of them forgetting their pride all along the way.

_After all no proud people left in this world when it comes to money._

The trouble, the effort, the begging, the pain: All for some coloured papers and simple coins that seemed to have ruled the world from it's beginning on. Tian knew it. He knew it all by heart. More than he would have liked and he sadly has seen it often enough with his own eyes as well:

Examples of how money paved ways where there shouldn't be, being used for someone's own benefit or rather used against someone else. _Praise my family_ _for that one_. And even though living light-minded and carefree, not seeing those things, was utterly attractive and most importantly a way more easier way of spending your lifetime. It just wasn't doable or standable for a person like He Tian. Having no other way out, he preferred to join the play pretend instead while cursing his name and the man that has caused his life to be like this. 

_I never wanted it to be like that._

The traffic besides him makes him snap back into reality again as a man honks loudly at the halting Taxi before him. 

_Why again didn't I fucking took my headphones with me?_

The group of dressed up women in chic heels, that were attempting to get into the taxi just a second ago, now started to yell back at the man. _Chicks obviously being drunk_. 

As he quietly passes the scenario, one of the girls now additionally starts whistling at him, with the phrase 'Hey handsome' probably thinking she's a flirt. _Oh lord have mercy._

On another day he would have given her a playful smile and stood their side against the still honking driver, to play the charming heart stealing gentleman that he usually enjoyed to be. But not today. Everything was just burdening and miserable especially he himself and the thought of getting back to his empty apartment as fast as possible, was way more attractive than a messy flirt. So he fastened his pace already being close by. 

At least the whole thing had knocked him out of the melancholic state he was roller-coasting all day. Simply caused by himself through repeatedly playing shitty memories over and over in his head since this morning. His mind was wretched enough already yet the memories were building up inside of him again as he felt another long vibration of his phone. He fastened his pace once more. Usually he was called a dominant smart boy, but he sure as hell didn't feel like one today.

Now arriving at the buildings entrance his body moved almost automatically. _Pass the guard. Towards the Elevator. Floor 4. Keys. Door._

Here he was again. " _Home_ ". Another long sigh left his lips. He had hoped for at least a little feeling of relief arriving here, but nevertheless, the usual disappointment of an empty never familiar feeling apartment washed over him. And guess what just like that his appetite left too. _Great._

He throws the bags on the kitchen counter creating a mess as always. The mess being the only thing making this apartment look like someone lives in here, as he proceeds to directly head towards the shower. Once he is in there the cold water hits his firm muscles and instantly causes his whole body to tense up. But after the first wave has washed over him he adjusts to the cold feeling, that made the pent-up pressure in his body loosen for the first time today. As the refreshing water keeps flowing down his toned chest, he is finally able to breathe again. 

He would agree that it isn't usual to be this well-built and muscular at his age but he couldn't give less of a shit. Because honestly what was even normal about him?

His who knows how many years already daily trained body, which by the way is able to take down five grown up men for self protection, if necessary? 

_Definitely not._

Yet another point that deadly attracted others to him besides that broad shoulders of his, the sharp 'He jawline', his deep raspy voice and the hypnotic grey eyes. Okay, he knew he was attractive. Admittedly his good looks were a thing he was really proud of and people that thought he was modest about that were hella wrong cause naahh he wasn't.

Getting Discounts at shops with female employees or buying cigarettes and booze of his own pockets at the phrase 'what a handsome boy' was hella satisfying without doubt. Just a little bit more satisfying than the regular whispers of school girls so easily played 'He is so stunning.' 'Wow, look there, it's He Tian, is he even real?'. 

He took great advantage of it all because it honestly was the only self earned accomplishment of his that wasn't able to hurt his pride. So unlike every time he had to use his father's money to pave his way cause that shit sure as hell hurt. Shady money, earned in a dirty business, that additionally had claimed all the time of his family that possibly could have been invested into attention and care for the little him. _Not like I care._

In fact he really didn't because all those things didn't stop him from spending money without a second thought anyways. It wasn't like the uneasy feeling surrounding it would go away anytime soon and he was already so used to it, there was no point in even trying to change that. Why shouldn't he at least get a little enjoyment out of that distance creating shit? 

Still getting out of trouble through a seductive smile or a flexing arm, that brushes black hair back, definitely wasn't comparable to that and included an ego-boost on top of it. It made him have power over people, even without them having to know about his status and in situations when he was in knees deep, the for his age abnormal body strength, could also get him out of shit through violence. 

_Not only looking good but practical as well._

So while getting out of the shower and drying himself he couldn't suppress the 'Nice' leaving his lips at the look in the mirror. Girls loved him but certainly guys weren't really into that kinda narcissistic confidence of his. It didn't bother him though he was popular anyways and with his looks it honestly wasn't as if he couldn't pull that. He still earned himself respect from the male side though, simply through his athletic abilities, especially when playing basketball. Talking about those:

You could call him a workout freak. Throughout all the years of self defense practice he went through, thanks to his brothers strength ideology, working out became a habit to him. Going to the gym all the time and never failing to keep his improvement of stamina and strength in track even now, was already routine and a passion to him. A passion hard to oversee since his effort was definitely shown in the results. 

_So I might as well be fuckin proud of that._

Now dressed in his briefs Tian headed towards the couch in the living room to still the craving that had already burned inside of him since he first left the house. And the pleasure was granted to him as he lit the freshly bought cigarette between his fingers. He inhaled the smoke in a long deep breath. _Finally._

Cigarette lit, body relaxed and hair still wet he felt refreshed but wasn't fully satisfied yet. The noise of his grumbling stomach filled the empty room. _There it is._

He now glanced towards the kitchen. One half of the instant food from earlier was laying on the counter, while the other half was sprawled all over the kitchen floor. Thinking about it's blunt and chemical taste alone, that he had been withstanding for months now, made him feel nauseated. A peek at the sink and the almost rotting dishes in there didn't particularly help his appetite. And additionally considering the devastating day he had behind him the decision was made. 

_Fuck Dinner for today._

He wouldn't say it out loud but taking care of himself or the household wasn't his area in particular and his apartment was the best example for that fact. A given being raised like he was, with things like that always taken care of. _'I'm in desperate need for an housekeeper.' words leaving_ his mouth as he inhaled the familiar smoke of the cigarette once again. Cigarettes were the only thing left making him feel at home, although he would never admit why. At least it was a little comfort in this lonely apartment. 

_'Hmm' lonely..._

That thought made his neglected phone come to his mind and a shiver immediately ran down his body. He freezed and his mind stopped working for a moment, maybe because it was cold and he only had on some briefs, maybe because he has been hungry for way too long at this point or maybe it was just a continuation of avoiding the unavoidable.

After all, enough courage was only gathered at the point he had finished his third cigarette. He stood up only to realize that he had no idea where his phone was. ' _Great.'_

 _As if I'm_ _not exhausted enough already._

He hastily checked the whole apartment only to find it in the bathroom, hidden in between the piles of dirty clothes.

Standing in the middle of the room with now dry hair but still only some briefs on he felt cold. In fact cold enough for another decision to be made. _Time to go to bed._

Something that seemed so normal and natural to everyone except him. The thought of going to sleep was horrific to him. Sleep terrified him, just as much as a murderer would terrify the girls at an horror movies sleepover, through knocking at the basement door. 

_Fake._

He thought while going through the apartment, cowardly turning of all the lights. All lights except for the one by his bed. 

He laid down. 

With his phone being the only thing still left to check, he opened it's display only to see the dozens of missed calls under the name:

'He Liar Cheng'. _Call me childish again but it's what you deserve._

He deleted the calls with a feeling that can hardly be put into words. A mix of bitterness, betrayal, loneliness and guilt all at once. 

Another sigh, perhaps the loudest and longest of today, left his mouth as he continued on to look at his messages. Spammed group chats. Classmates texting. Unknown numbers with girly profile pictures trying to confess their love, on this for everyone so special day and others that were just reaching out in a matter of formality. Messages that all could be summed up in a few words: 

'Happy Birthday He Tian' 

He closed the App and looked at the screen. 

00:06AM

'Finally'

What should have come out as a thought and in relief, turned into a word that went against him, as he now desperately tried to relax his trembling jaw. He attempted to put his phone away in time but failed miserably, letting it fall down onto the floor right next to his bed. The burning hot feeling in his throat was starting to grow, causing the breath in his lungs to become short and heavy. Already shaking from the suppression of what was slowly starting to swell up in his eyes, he buried himself deeper into the sheets. If he had to speak now he probably wouldn't be able to without his voice cracking. _Pathetic._ The fact that he was about to fucking cry right now, like he hadn't in years, just added to the unbearable frustration he was feeling. _Fuck._ His dominant side, the one he was raised into for years, would fucking beat the shit out of him at this moment. He had held onto his strongness so well and so long until now.

 _Fuck Fuck Fuck._ So long he started to believe that he was really strong enough to do it all by himself. Strong enough to bear with the world on his own. But he felt alone. 

_So fucking alone_.

He was just a middle schooler yet the only happiness in his life was that he was able to live in this apartment. He was fucking finally country's away from his father and far enough away from what is supposed to be called his home here in China. He should be happy right now but why has there been no warning that he would feel so lonely? Why did nobody else care? _Why do I still care?_

He closed his eyes only to be met by the darkness he feared so much, reminding him of the fact that he wasn't strong enough at all. Just like every single night he closed them knowing that he won't even get two hours of sleep tonight as well, thanks to the nightmares already awaiting him. 

Trying to force himself to sleep, he fights with all his left strength against the thousands of thoughts in his mind, yet he can't prevent that one particular image to appear before his eyes. 

'You have to become the strongest of them all'

_It's already been so long but why am I still so_ _fucking weak?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Idea of this whole thing is to show the beautiful story of '19Days' given to us by our beloved Old Xian from He Tian's personal perspective. Not hard to guess by the Title. 
> 
> I planned to go along with the actual canon story starting from the first panel that He Tian appeared in in the manga. To give an insight on his thoughts and the moments in between the panels that we normally aren't able to see in the original. 
> 
> Still considering how far the actual storyline already proceeded and that with this piece we're only starting from the beginning prepare yourself for an accordingly long project.
> 
> Let's keep enjoying the story of our 4 lovely boys while waiting for the next update from Old Xian!


	2. Longing For Change

He Tian had woken up completely wrecked to the loud sound of his ringing alarm. It caused him to wriggle out of his bed sheets rather messily, eyelids hanging low and brain still foggy from the lack of sleep. 

_I swear I just fell asleep like 10 minutes ago. Why am I even awake again?_

His body was still a step behind his mind when it came to the meaning of being awake and starting to function. So coming next neither his ears, nor anything else were able to figure out where the fucking noise was coming from and he started to curse in response. 

'What the fuck, where's that shitty?!'

The bed creaked under his moving body as he now stood up onto his feet. Apparently way to fast since he immediately stumbled two little steps forward, no balance in sight when it happened. **A Crack.**

His brain was just about to think:

 _What was that?_

When he was already hanging in the middle of the air sideways, his handsome face flying towards the inviting floor. Next off reflexes took over his body, unluckily to his great disadvantage as he heard a loud thud. Current situation being his hands shooting up in front of him, thinking that the thud was the sound of his body hitting that so welcoming floor. Current problem being that the thud has only been the sound of his phone hitting the wall, after he had so gracefully slipped on it. The slip causing both, the phone and He Tian, to reach record-breaking speeds also stopping the alarm. So now with reflexes, that were trained to prevent such things from happening, complete off timing, his hands wouldn't do any good catching his body. He could only fall and wait for his face to finally make out with the floor. 

_' Arghf-! Owww fuck, Ouch!'_

The first big rush of pain needed exactly one minute and a half to become bearable to He Tian. This time was spent with the typical rolling around on the floor and cursing, that occurs after getting hit from your own stupidity. It wasn't even his face that caused the strong pain but rather his arms that have been in the worst possible position to take a hit from the floor. At least his arms had slowed him down enough for his face to take a lighter hit, not even leaving a visible bruise behind. Rather than a make out session his face had only given the floor a little smooch, so unlike his arms, they were dying. 

He laid down on his back. 

_This is one of the many reasons you don't start to fucking cry like a baby. To not drop your phone. Cause exactly such shit happens then. I hate this apartment. How big is the possibility of breaking your arms first thing in the morning anyways? Could you even do that in a more stupid way than me?_

_I have to look that up._

What was making the situation even more absurd was the one smooth movement in which everything had happened. Tian and the phone were speeding through the room in such sinc, it almost looked elegant, perfect for one of those fail videos on the internet. 

_If there is a God I hope he didn't saw this._ Now fully awake his priority was to leave this hellhole of an apartment just as quickly as he arrived here yesterday. 

Tian finally stood up rubbing his still hurting arms and went to the bathroom. In there he wet his face with cold water to wash of the last night filled with sleeplessness. Following he held his arms under the flowing water cooling them down for a while. He quickly brushed his teeth afterwards.

Tian then grabbed the clothes that were the easiest to reach from his position along with some money "some" and was already rushing out of the door when… _the phone._

He turned around 180 degrees standing at the door and he could see it lying in between the bed and on of the room's walls. He picked it up: 07:20 AM… _yep I need a new one._

The screen was completely cracked and it wasn't really possible to figure out if it broke because he had stepped on it with his full body weight or because it had met with the wall in an indescribable speed.

_Probably because of both._

Tian didn't even consider the possibility of it already cracking a little yesterday night. 

Not wanting to stay in the apartment for any longer second he went for the door once again and finally escaped the empty yet so suffocating atmosphere in there. 

_Where the hell did my luck leave so suddenly? Being a crybaby and this chaotic all at once._

He passed the guard. 

School started at 08:00 AM he still had about half an hour left to get breakfast and he was definitely in desperate need of it. His body needed the calories to keep working and was absolutely not used to the little amount of food He Tian had consumed during the last 48 hours. Being out of the house now just made him hyper aware of the neglected need and his empty stomach.

_I'm hungry._

His phone vibrated. As he looked at the broken screen a text message popped up. 

'Are u up already?' 

'Not only up but out as well'

'Pulled an all-nighter birthday kid?' 

_Right…_

'Would I be He Tian if not?' 

'Nice, wanna get breakfast at the crossroad besides school?'

'In that bakery u know?' 

'Sure, I'll meet you there'

_That's it for the breakfast in peace. Company after yesterday doesn't seem so bad but I really have no nerves left for this play pretend shit again. Mondays…_

  


He arrived at the bakery around 07:35 AM, met his friend or whatever you would call him, bought some stuff and sat down to eat. The atmosphere was really comforting. Early in the morning there weren't too many people around apart from some office workers getting their morning coffee. In the background some quiet music from the radio was playing and the fresh baked food tasted hella good too. The events of the morning now totally forgotten Tian stuffed his mouth with still warm bread. 

'What's up with your appetite? Partied a little too much yesterday?

'Mhhhh' he hummed in response mouth full of the filled bread. 

The guy he's been sitting with is one of his classmates. He's kinda chill and one of the popular guys in school. Probably the closest thing to a friend He Tian has. They never talk about personal stuff or do much outside of school besides playing basketball with some other guys, always having cheering girls by their side then. So it's more like a no strings attached thing and it's been functioning that way quite all right: Hanging out to make the time in school pass faster and never bothering each other. It's been okay. 

_But God why does it feel so wrong right now?_

Tian has been cruising around on his phone searching up the stuff he wanted to know this morning. 

'Hey, what do you think about this one?' 

He put his phone onto the table now visible for both of them. 

' "BECAUSE NOBODY TOLD ME YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LET GO OF THE BOWLING BALL!” '

'What's that about?' The guy asked half confused and half disinterested as he glanced at Tian's phone for a short second. 

'Try to guess' 

Tian responded with his shit eating grin.

_I'm desperate for some fun._

He earned an annoyed face in response:

'Come on man I'm bad at this stuff, what happened to your phone anyways? It looks like shit.' 

_No response at all? BORING._

The amount of disinterest the boy in front of him was giving him got onto his nerves.

_Why even be disturbing my breakfast when you're going to be like that. Annoying._

His concern from before had appeared again. 

He Tian had thought that the feeling would probably pass with time just like a phase. Even more than that he had hoped for it. He hoped he could keep living like before without the feeling and without having to feel so fake, so bored and as if something is missing. 

But it was still there and he couldn't stand it. 

_Something needs to change and I should start here:_

He ate the last bite of his bread, his stomach feeling at ease for once. 

_'It's 07:50 AM. Let's get going!'_

_His_ tone shifted one octave down at those words earning him a glance and a raised eyebrow from the boy in front of him. 

Nevertheless he followed him putting an arm around Tian's shoulder. _Still so obedient._

They were only a few steps away from the school gate now when He Tian was asked the question . 

'You've been strange today. You noticed that?' 

_Nah. I've just not been as fake as always. Finally noticing the shift after 3 weeks?_

'No idea what you're talking about~' 

They went through the familiar school gate.

 _And here they are_ : the girls annoying as always already starting with their waterfalls of questions. He was at least a little relieved since they got him out of the questions that would have followed by his "friend". 

'He Tian how was your Birthday?', 'I have a present for you.' 'Are you going to celebrate?' 

_Forget the relief. Way more annoying._

Some more came and started to congratulate him. A neutral 'thanks' came out of him at that. 

The school bell rang and he shot his friend a glance basically saying: 'come on I'm in no mood for them'. It was no secret that the guy enjoyed the additional attention of girls through hanging around with He Tian and they both knew it. So he put on a charming smile and looked at the girls. 

'Sorry ladies, but we have to go or the teachers are going to scold us for coming too late again _.'_

 _That my buddy is the reason I still hang around you._ He sincerely felt thankful to him for not having to deal with the annoying shit before school had even started. 

Now being dragged along by his friend they were heading towards their classroom still being followed around by some of the girls. 

He Tian was used to observing his environment a lot, one major thing that he was thought during training.

'Always know the environment around you and you will have no problem finding an escape route or a way to contact your people for help if something goes wrong.'

He looked around himself and up at the trees. 

_Was that a shoe again? I wonder how that shit happens all the time._

The hours till lunch break were spend in the usual boring way. He didn't even had to put much effort into classes to be number one anymore. All admiration from the teachers was already gained and they were basically lying to his feet as he was ranked first place all the time. By now he also had learned how to handle and brush off the same old questions that were spilled over him by the girls during little breaks. And besides some messing around with 'his boys' the time in class was only getting more and more boring.

_How did I withstand this stuff till now again? Cigarette. I need a cigarette._

The bell rang. Break. 

It was way too hot outside as the sun hung over the school ground and over the many heads of the for the weekend longing students. Tian and the breakfast guy were heading towards the basketball court to distract themselves as they passed two guys sitting on the floor outside. They were leaning against the shadow providing wall probably taking a break from playing basketball a bottle of water and a ball still lying next to them. Not the only people on the school yard trying to flee from the unbearable heat of this day. 

_Spotted._

'Hey Jian Yi~, wanna go to grab a drink?' 

While passing them he touched Jian Yi's hair half to annoy him and half because it's softness was just kinda relaxing. 

'Nope and Bastard stop touching my hair…' 

Jian Yi replied back annoyed and uninterested.

_This. This was it._

He Tian had first taken an interest in him when he saw him at the basketball court around last week. It was for a quite simple reason: 

He was handsome. Especially for a guy and that made him strangely outstanding. But what really had bothered him into spending more than two thoughts on Jian Yi was the question that came after inspecting him a bit longer: 

'Is he just stupid or does he simply not care about what others think?' 

Just the possibility of it being the second, lead Tian to the the common thing he did when taking interest in something. **Observation:**

Jian Yi was doing and talking all kinds of shit and acting like a dumbass without a break while always hanging out with that other guy. 

_What was his name again?_

He Tian certainly was bad with names. In a day there were so many people approaching him remembering all of their names would be impossible. That's why having remembered Jian Yi so fast was a surprise and really special to him already. Besides his silliness Tian noticed that, although normally the majority of people in school wanted to hang out with He Tian and even if not they at least knew his name, Jian Yi did nothing of those things . He seemed completely careless when it came to his social status or the way he was looked at by others, just carelessly hanging around with that friend of his. In contrast to that though Tian quickly noticed that Jian Yi still easily socialized with others. He wasn't going too deep with those relationships and it was really strange to Tian because although he could swear he was doing the same thing, their ways were so different. Jian Yi was laying out his feelings like an open book to everyone. He was so easy to read and he didn't hide it. 

_Why did he not care?_

Something about him just felt so utterly wrong yet seemingly right and unlike everyone else he wasn't following him around like a zombie all the time. Not trying to please him rather the opposite. Like that He Tian started to fool around with him here and there. Again to his surprise he realized that in comparison to the stuff he's been doing until now fooling around with Jian Yi was giving him a way bigger amount of pleasure. 

He Tian had desperately wanted a change to come because he was only feeling down and annoyed for the past months, with all those same boring people around him. His birthday gave him the absolute rest. It makes him search for that wanted change now and by himself since the change just didn't seem to have planned coming on it's own. At the time being the only starting point in that task was the little fun Tian brought across himself through fooling around with that silly guy. 

_So why not just start here for now?_

To his dislike the following week wasn't much different from what he's been used to except for some encounters with Jian Yi and his shadow, that he found out to be called Zhan Zheng Xi. He mostly went to school on time, except for Wednesday. He had the urgent want to skip in an attempt for change or rather in an attempt to spend some nice time with his cigarettes. All of that only to sit there in the evening, thinking about how he found no pleasure in that whatsoever. So he naturally switched back into his routinely everyday life the next day. Besides that his week was filled with him taking turns in eating take out and going out for food visiting the same old restaurants. He also regularly brushed of questions from the pretty girls in schools. _Like always_. Went out to play basketball with some other guys here and there and already started his second pack of cigarettes at the end of the week. 

The weekend came by and nothing had seemed to change. He Tian was feeling frustrated again. The relief and excitement of living alone that has kept him going until now slowly faded. Living alone was more troublesome than he had expected. 

_Time to go out and distract myself._

He has done this a few times by now. Staying in his apartment was never an option. Definitely not during the weekend where he didn't even had school to distract him. So here and there he went out to meet some people. It were kinda like the bad kids of the city. Advantage being that none of them went to his school so he wouldn't have to ruin his reputation of being a model student through hanging out with them. In fact most of them were way older than him. Still another advantage was they didn't really care about that. He fit in quite well with his height and mature face, looking older than his actual age. Most of them didn't even figure out that he was younger since he not only looked old but also had this expression in his eyes and face. His normal face, not the 'Hey, I'm He Tian the most perfect human being on earth' face. It just screamed 'I have seen so much shit in my life already' and took a big part in making him more adult like. Anyways getting some liquor into his blood, sharing smokes with strangers and just being able to be himself, without anyone judging or knowing him, was the best way to spend a long amount of time fastly. He knew he was to young for it. He knew it was unhealthy. And he knew that his brother would hate it, that mostly being the reason why he did it. _Drinking. Not because I'm rebelling but just because I can…_

he lied to himself.

_Besides that everyone is doing it nowadays and it's not like smoking isn't forbidden too, I've been doing it anyways. And?_

At the begging the slight drunkenness opened new doors to him, allowing him to loosen up and feel the time pass faster. But the more time passed and the more of the bitter liquor flowed down his throat the more depressed became his mind. The alcohol caused thoughts to occur that normally were easily suppressed. 

_Even if I let the time fly by fast, away from them, living alone…what will it change? I'm not getting independent from them. I don't wanna get older that would only mean they can drag me further into the family business and that at a faster rate. What kind of a fucked up future will that be? Shit… time should pass slower…_

_I have to avoid it at any cost!_

_'Fuck you He Cheng. Fuck you Father'_

He spit the word Father out like an insult…… and he threw it up into the trash can right next to him together with the alcohol and everything else that was in his stomach. 

He wasn't too far away from his house but considering the state he was in it might as well be too far away at the moment.

He sat down on a park bench with wobbly legs and opened his phone being a little more sober after having emptied his stomach from that devilish liquid but still not sober enough.

He remembered something that he had successfully ignored all week thanks to his laziness. 

_'Right I have to buy a new phone… Pfffft'_

He laughed at himself knowing that he will be hungover and dead tomorrow. 

_Buying a phone like that will be shitty… hmm… who cares?_ His drunken smile faded. 

Tian saw the message of He Cheng, writing him that he should text their father once in a while. Out of respect. 

Now he was laughing again still way too tipsy. 

'What respect? Ahahaha!' 

_Writing me at this time._ He Tian didn't knew how late it was. He guessed that by the empty streets, the darkness and the last time he looked at the clock it must be way past 4 in the morning. In his state he didn't realize that he could just look at his phone. 

_He must be out of the country right now._

_Let me guess: with that man…you can only make me look down upon you brother._

He texted Cheng an answer in response as

he heard some birds flying around in the crowns of the park's trees. It was already starting to get bright outside. _Well shit._

_____

  


It was Saturday. 

He woke up in his bed and the first thing greeting him was the pounding pain in his head. _fuuuuuuck._

The only things he managed to do afterwards were going for a piss and getting himself some water and a bucket in case his body would turn against him once more. He slowly positioned himself in his bed again trying to sleep despite the pain. 

It was already past afternoon and He Tian was not going to leave his bed any time soon. 

_I'm never going to drink again._

He fell asleep after having repositioned himself and especially his head several times. Sleep being the best option to handle the nausea and headache killing him. 

He never used to drink enough to have a hangover as hard as this one ever before. Drinking wasn't his thing in general since he loved being in control of himself and the situation. But he kind of hit rock bottom in those last few days. Even cigarettes not being enough of a distraction anymore. 

_Am I a little child being so frustrated without any reason all the time?_

_He opens his eyes._

_'Mhhh?' The sun…_

The sun was already close to setting by now. It has been the best sleep he had had in a long while. The alcohol knocked him out completely, no nightmares, no screaming in his sleep, it was almost peaceful. He slowly stood up, still feeling the pain in his head. The day was already going towards its end and he still smelled like booze and vomit and it made him feel sick again. Tian helped himself out by carefully brushing his teeth and taking a warm shower, making his mind clearer and his body clean. After the shower he dressed into some of his black trousers and a white shirt all in all a comfortable hangover outfit. He leaned against the kitchen counter with a glass of water in his left hand and with his phone in the right one. _I'm gonna pay with my credit card… and it should be the same model_ He thought while twisting around the horrible looking phone in his hands. Tian felt way more sober and clean now. He decided that going outside to breathe in some fresh evening air would be the best, additionally he can go and buy a new phone before he's too lazy again, like he has been the whole week.

I _should hurry or the shop might close._

As he went out he felt the comfortable evening breeze wash over him. He took long deep breaths while walking down the streets. Tian's mind was able to function again and he reviewed the events of last night. 

_I was at the skateboard ramps. The guys from last month introduced me to some girls. There was the cute one with the black mini skirt. We drank beer. Someone wanted to play dare or drink… right that was were it started._

_'Hmmm'_ he hummed trying to remember more as he arrived at the main street with lots of shops and food stands. The strong smell of different street foods hit his nose and the thought process was interrupted. 

_Ew I think I'm gonna throw up again._

He quickened his pace. 

_So… the drinking game. Penalty shots… right I played the gentleman for the miniskirt girl… God had I known that she would be so bad at that game I would have never agreed to help her out with drinking._

After the drinking game his memories where foggy and hard to remember. 

He arrived at the shop interrupting the memories from last night once again. Choosing the phone didn't take him long since the pretty lady at the counter helped him find his model right away. He bought only the phone without stuff like headphones or a charger since he had those at home already. It has been easier than hungover Tian had thought, thanks to the lady. 

_Thank God I was born looking this good._

He paid with his credit card like planned not being able to suppress the thought of his father or brother checking his expenses later on. Tian gave the saleswoman a last smile as he left. Not wanting to go through the street food hell again he choose to walk along the big river to get back. The river went through the whole city and along its side were two long concrete streets. Concrete, you basically saw nothing else, typical for the city life. Along the river still stood several benches and a drink vending machine. He decided to get a can of Coke and sat down on of the benches facing the river. With the minty toothpaste taste and the bitter hangover still on his tongue he gulped down the sweet and sparkling beverage. _How good a simple thing can make you feel sometimes._

He unpacked the phone out of the new package, put the added little extras into his pocket and threw the packaging into the trash can next to him. "Totally normal after buying a new phone." He started reviewing his memories again while changing the SIM card of his old phone into the new still shiny and sparkly one.The euphoria that some people felt after buying a new phone not really hitting him. It's nothing special. Tian could afford to buy a new one all the time. He could by a bunch of new stuff all the time, doesn't mean he should keep breaking it though. 

_Okay. What else was there yesterday? I think I have made out with that girl. Yep and then.. I have vomited at the park. But what have I done all the time in between? How the fuck did I even end up at the park in the first place? I was alone by then already, wasn't I?_

He restarted his new phone now waiting for it to be ready to type in the code. The screen lit up and the numbers popped up on the screen. 

He typed his code in and the home screen lit up. Everything looked the same except for the phone background. It wasn't a puppy anymore but some kind of colour sparkled screen. _Ugly._

He opened his cloud online and downloaded the most recent pics he had taken with his last phone including the puppy pic. He wouldn't like to praise himself but he was pretty good at photography. He never really planned to improve that talent and photography wasn't too interesting to him either. He was just good at taking pics and since he was observative, thanks to his training, he often spotted things others just didn't see in the rush of everyday life. For example the cute puppy that was leashed in front of the Café a few blocks away from his apartment a few weeks ago. It has waited for it's owner quit and obedient. Tian couldn't help but take a picture of it.

 _Dogs are better friends than some humans. They are loyal and always honest unlike cats with their mood swings._ He just loves dogs. Tian smiled at the now set background pic of the cute little puppy as a message came making his phone ring. 

A message from He Cheng.

_Oh great that fucker again. Talking about loyalty…_

'Were you drunk?'

_wait wait wait wait wait, what?!_

He panicked since the old chats from his phone weren't visible on the new one and he had no idea what he had done. It took him several minutes to figure out how to reload the old chats and his call history through his account. After 3 tutorials from the internet he was finally able to reload them. 

_Okay first my call history……_

_Nothing._

_Thank God I didn't call him._

A slight relief before the next panic wave came. 

_I must have written something, shit what did I write?_

_____

_'He Tian'_

_'Father told me he hasn't heard anything from you.'_

_'Text him once in a while. You should show some respect.'_

_'Fukc off ar u his slave now repext_

_are u stupd!!!!!!!*!'_

_'Jus stop fkn takling to me betraxer'_

_'I hate bkgh of u peole'_

_'Were you drunk?'_

_____

_Oh, sitting on the bench and writing He Cheng wasn't a dream. It really happened._

_Ooooooh goooooooood…_

_Good job, a way to make you look immature and childish. Why did I get drunk again?_

_And fuck he only responded now…?_

The fact that He Tian probably would have never seen this messages if not for the answer almost made him throw up the Coke right back up again. He could have lived on not knowing how much he fucking embarrassed himself in front of the last person he would ever want to embarrass himself in front of, right after his father. He would have still fucking looked him in the eyes thinking he was standing up against him, while He Cheng probably looked down on him like a child. 

_Why would you even write that...of course I was fucking drunk and you know it. Of course you know it you aren't stupid, why would you even reply to that. God. Trying to make me feel dumb. Replying this late as if you knew it._

The idea that his brother had taken the hangover He Tian could have and in fact had right now into consideration, replying him at this time, made him feel sick even more. 

_Why make it even worse… making me look like an idiot._

He knows he was the idiot. 

_Why would I even write him shit. I'm never ever going to drink again._ He cursed his rebelling subconscious mind. So much about standing up against his family showing them how independent and mature he is………. 

The pain in his head had doubled. 

He now sat there looking at the river and the sky that was being colored through the setting sun. It was getting late and here he was regretting all of his life choices.

_Another day like that._

On the opposite side of the river two people came into his view. 

_Wait, Is that Jian Yi? And…_

He had to think for a moment. 

_Zhan Zheng Xi?_

_Well that's an interesting coincidence._

They were a bit far away but he could still figure out that they were holding drinks and talking. 

_Must be nice… These two are even hanging out together on the weekend. They must be so close… I think I kinda envy that…?....._

Suddenly Zhan Zheng Xi threw something and it flew over the concrete wall right down onto the crooked riverbank.

_WAS THAT HIS PHONE?!_

He Tian started to laugh out loud as he saw both of them panicking and leaning against the concrete wall to look for the black little dot that was probably a phone. 

He couldn't get his shit together as Jian Yi started to take off his shirt now sitting on top of the wall. _Is he going to fucking Jump?! A way to break your arms first thing in the evening._

The little mistake from Monday was on his mind again. _That's the proof man!_

Jian Yi was the living proof that someone could be more dumb than

He 'Slipping & Drunk Texting Is Fun' Tian. 

And Tian loved it. 

_Wait fuck is he really jumping?_

He Tian stopped laughing now perplexed looking as both of them were falling down. The short worry directly leaving him at their next move. He Tian took out his phone to film the hilarious shit happening in front of him right now, grinning like an idiot and looking into the distance. _If someone passed by now they would probably think I'm insane. But those guys are even worse._

They were really looking insane, awkwardly lying on the crooked riverbank trying not to move while painfully slowly sliding down towards the water. 

Then Jian Yi moved and grabbed the phone. 

**Splash**

'PFFFFT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH! ' 

And He Tian lost his shit completely almost dropping his phone. The two of them were were now struggling out of the water soaked looking like complete idiots as He Tian kept filming them. They have climbed up the ladder standing on the concrete wall as He Tian shut off his phone still catching his breath and not able to stop grinning. 

_This will fit perfectly into my empty gallery. At least I'm not the only idiot destroying my phone…_

He laughed from the bottom of his heart the hangover and mistakes from last night completely forgotten. He laughed like he hadn't in ages. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out the '19 days' chapters :
> 
> 60-61:  
> If you want to have a visual image of He Tian's not at all important filler friend and He Tian bothering Jian Yi with his own hair.  
> (btw the first panels in which He Tian appears) 
> 
> &
> 
> 83-86:  
> If you want to see Jian Yi and Zheng (+phone) going for a romantic dive in the river.  
> (stupidity included)


	3. Fooling Around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **warning underage smut and mention of school violence**

The weekend went by and He Tian had a whole Sunday to himself and especially an opportunity to rethink his methods. He sat in a Japanese restaurant specializing on sushi, eating the self made rolls in front of him. He couldn't help but groan satisfied whenever he tried another piece since every piece was better than the one before. _Heaven._

If there is a thing that Tian had learned throughout his life according food, then it definitely was the fact, that no matter how much money you pay for an expensive cook or a high class meal in a 5 star restaurant, nothing can't compare to the self made food of a little family business. 

_I seriously don't know what it is that makes the change… But it always tastes different. Better. Not so blunt and overly perfect but like something made with sweet and light effort ._

Whenever it came to the cooks he used to know, it was always the same. They were specialized in one certain area and did their shit since years, after going through a fucked up hard training and plain stress.

_You can fucking taste it. The stress and pressure to make it perfect. It's always in their food. I could never imagine doing the same thing over and over again, for so many years. No wonder they were sick of it._

_Best example for human behavior: They stick onto one goal doing and sacrificing anything for it, only to end up at a loss with what used to make them happy._

_No matter if 5 star cooks, medal winning athletes or the regular office worker, working overtime without break._

_In the end it all ends tragic: with unhappiness. And what follows? Right._

_Despair, suicide, murder, loss. Damn..._

_I have to find some fun in life again…_

He was very aware of his situation. He was a smart boy after all, to be honest an unhappy one, but smart. It would be a lie to say he hadn't thought about it too sometimes and in that point his own behavior scared the shit out of him. _What would happen if die now?_

_Would they even care? Do I even have the guts to do it? Is it hard?...._

_Does it hurt?_

But no he didn't had the guts, definitely not and even if he had the guts, there was no motivation to ever turn that thoughts and questions into actions. In this case words spoke louder than actions. He hadn't got a taste of life yet and although, thinking that stuff was kinda thrilling, he just couldn't deal with the thought of ending it now.

_All my life was spent in that damn mansion. I'm finally out. I can find fun and happiness here. I know it. It just must be somewhere._

He couldn't believe that it would ever be worse than back then. He never had the chance to feel real happiness yet and nobody could tell him, that all those people were still walking out there if it isn't somewhere. 

He needed to get as much fun as possible, otherwise the freedom he had right now would go to waste. The hilarious guy Jian Yi was an important part of that plan, basically you could say he was the fun part. That's why He Tian's mood for today went up a lot.

_I don't care if I seem clingy. I do what I want and everybody is used to that already anyways. I will get him to stick around and I will be impressive like I always am._

_Maybe I should try it with basketball…_

___

It was already evening when He Tian sat on the couch in the open room of his apartment. He was shirtless and slightly sweating from the heat that creeped around in his room, coming from the noisy streets. Completely exhausted he leaned back and closed his eyes. It would be a lie if he said he wasn't excited for school tomorrow, because he totally was. Not for school in particular but rather for a certain person that he would come to meet there. _Jian Yi._ A name that lingered in his mind for way too long for him to still be able to ignore it. In fact it started to become hard to bear with it the whole week already and Tian was slowly but surely losing control. 

_You can't blame me for that man, he is way too freaking attractive._

His mind started drifting off in a direction it never before had dared to get close to. 

His eyes remained closed, giving his imagination a little too much room for itself.

Tian wet his lips as he thought of Jian Yi playing basketball the week before.

It was only a brief second yet it felt like he had committed an unforgivable crime.

The color of his face changed hinting at slight red cheeks and he tried to deny what his mind had done a moment ago. 

He failed and kept going.

Tian thought of it again, the movement, his body, the sweat caused by the summer heat.

 _God it feels so wrong._

...And it fucking turned him on…

_Too fucking handsome… his hair...It's color_

His hand ached to move yet he couldn't bring himself to do it. 

In his mind a whole war was going on. 

A war between common sense and a sinfully dark desire. It went on for a whole while. 

'... Shiiiiit… '

the breathy sound in which the word came out made him feel guilty already. 

_I will regret that so hard._

But the guilt wasn't even nearly big enough to stop him now. 

He slowly moved his hand onto his chest caressing his own skin, in an urgent need to occupy his hand that really gave him a fucking hard time as his dick started to harden on its own now. Everything completely without his minds approval. Lately his body has been moving without his approval way too often. 

Yet there was a way more troublesome problem right now: his mind. It was putting an unbearable pressure on him as it pictured moving muscles covered in sweat. 

He could feel the adrenaline spilling itself into his blood. 

The same blood that rushed in only that certain direction for way longer than his dizzy brain would have approved of. 

Common sense slowly losing against the horny teenager, Tian's mind moved down Jian Yi's shirtless body. 

Right hand joining the movement right afterwards, fingers now lightly touching the skin of his lower stomach. 

Tian had been biting his lips in refusal since quite some time now. To an extent in which his lips started to draw a little bit of blood were he bid to hard. They were now red and swollen. 

Still in denial he hoped that the little pain would get through the lust filled fog in his mind. He hoped it would save him from a possible mistake. _It's not too late yet._

But his arousal only grew bigger.

Feeling his own hand burn into his skin he couldn't help but move it further down. 

His mind completely forgotten and with the spreading heat on his skin, he only felt the fast and strong pounding of his heart. 

_So what if I do it!?_

Resisting was no longer possible and he wrapped a hand around himself. 

' _Fuuuck…'_

He groaned embarrassed yet needy. 

It was completely overwhelming as he moved his hand up and down. 

Overwhelming enough to make him sink back into the couch with a strong force. 

He had a lot of stamina and as long as the pictures in his mind went on his hand had no other choice but to follow. 

After a while the thought of his unoccupied hand started to torture him and he put it on his chest as if it wasn't his own. Fingers harshly digging into his skin and imagination running wild. Little droplets of sweat started to form all over his body with the growing roughness of his hand. Time just seemed to slow down around him making him feel more and more intoxicated. 

He was wrecked, barely biting back moans that desperately begged to escape his lips. 

Suppressing those gave him a short grip of it, letting aroused mumbles past his lips: ' _I should put on some porn or somthnn-mhhh' Fuck this is too much._ A whimper followed and he was biting down his lips again. 

_As if that would change anything NOW._

Dealing with the denial was certainly a thing he could do afterwards and he couldn't even bother much longer since his mind had drifted back to the feeling of his dick again. Now he was really getting to the edge and couldn't stop himself from jerking his hips up to feel more of the heavenly friction. It was getting to much to handle. Completely careless from the overtaking need he parted his lips finally letting out the shameless moans. Shame being a forgotten thing by the time he was close. He is panting loudly and the always silent apartment is now filled with his choked moans and the wet sounds of the hand against his dick. 

So lively in here today. 

He has a clear picture of a jumping Jian Yi on court on his mind. Shirt rising up, slowly revealing the skin beneath it. Suddenly he cries out surprised as his head melts back into the fabric of the couch. 

' _HOLY FUCK!'_

Electricity takes over his body in almost static shockwaves and he keeps rocking his hips. 

Tian's seeing stars as he spills cum over his chest and the desk. 

Lips covered in saliva and still panting he gulps down hard and opens his eyes. 

_Well… Fuck… definitely crossed a line…_

_Time for a shower._

_____

The guilt trip riding him all night didn't really help him with his sleep problems and Monday came by faster than expected. He Tian had to go to school. And it was actually less of a problem than he had imagined.

Throughout the years he had managed handling emotional traumas way too good. Handling the fact that he didn't jerked off to the image of some gay porn but a real fucking guy that he personally knew wasn't easy, but he managed. He used to do it with girls he knew before but never with a guy so it kinda was like a first time for him.

_First times should rather be celebrated right?_

He cringed thinking about himself, but after this long night of regret it was time to finally just get fucking over it already. 

_Maybe I was just born to be into wrong stuff. My grandparents probably would send me to burn in hell. Not that I ever knew em, but I'm still pretty sure they would._

In the morally wrong excitement of his he was faster than usual this morning. Even if it would mean being annoyed by all the girls for a longer period of time but right now another feeling was way more prominent. He was excited. Excited for change and excited to see Jian Yi again. _All dirty thoughts of yesterday aside I need friends._

For the time being he really needed to get into Jian Yi's circle if he wanted to enjoy himself.

_Yes, okay I freaking want this and even if I'm pathetic, clinging onto a stranger, it's better to be pathetic on purpose rather than being pathetic without control._

Being pathetic without control never was an option to him and the events of the past weeks showed enough examples why. 

Tian passed the vintage brick walls, headphones in his ears like usually, a habit of his to prevent others from talking to him. Without the headphones he was always hit on and annoyed, like this he didn't even need to hear the whispers, it was releaving. As his eyes passed the walls an strange and automatic reflex occurred and acted on it's own, his consciousness still sleeping this early in the morning. He slowed down and abruptly came to an stop. Eyes widening when he now for the second time read the letters that his subconscious had already absorbed before. He brushed the surprise of immediately and started to walk again. It happened in the blink of an second and nobody besides him might have noticed the little stop. 

'You are born to be real. Not perfect.'

The graffiti around it had changed, nothing had stayed. Nothing had stayed but that sentence. _Why am I even so surprised_ ? _Get ur shit together would you. It's just a sentence._ He brushed it off immediately not wanting to think further about why he reacted the way he did. 

Now that he actually had arrived at school he was a bit at a loss. _I really need to get my shit together being all excited._ He was here way too early, class would only start in over 30 minutes. _Seriously what was I thinking?_ It was obvious that the possibility of meeting Jian Yi now wasn't quite big so there actually has been no use in arriving here earlier. But what else could he do with the excitement. With the situation now fully hitting him, he decided that he should rather wait out the time by himself rather than pushing himself into the greedy crowd of girls awaiting him. Gladly he didn't had a morning cigarette yet and knew what he could occupy himself with. Tian was lucky today. He brought his old bag and there were still some left over bubblegum and one of his favorite colognes inside. Being a model student he shouldn't come to class reeking of smoke, so the two items should at least help prevent the teachers from noticing anything. He didn't care much about the students. _Let's be honest they will swoon over everything I do. I bet if they find out I smoke the girls will label me as the bad guy and get even more excited_. He was really starting to get annoyed by the girls his age. They were so transparent, it really wasn't hard to influence their behavior. Tian was getting more and more bored and he could swear he felt his life spam slowly getting eaten away by that horrible boredom. When it came to the smoking some of the guys knew. The friend of his that he usually keeps around already hung out with him while he was smoking, although they never shared a smoke like He Tian secretly sometimes wished to do. He didn't seem uncomfortable with He Tian doing it but he would never join in. It was okay. It's always been just okay between them. 

Tian sighed _seriously when will this end._

He went to a place behind the school building. It was a spott he often used to smoke because nobody ever hung around there. It was quite and a little hidden because of some bushes and trees that were planted to make the school look more green. All in all a nice place that he really liked, but with that luck of his today it has been different than usually. Rather than being met by the silence he was so used to, he heard noises, mumbling voices and something that was harder to figure out. His mind was more or less expecting what he would see the moment he stepped closer to the noise. 

He lit his cigarette in advance.

"Why not answer right away!?" 

"P-Please stop….I mean it I really don't have the money… right now": The words He Tian could hear from his position before every other word that would have possibly followed out of the guy's mouth was stopped as he catched several knuckles with his face.

The brunette hissed, nose starting to bleed. 

A more or less small crowd of people was standing around him. Some of em smoking, some chatting and the rest was concentrating on the brunette in the center, he was clearly fucked. The blood from his nose was already dripping down his chin forming a red stream flowing down his face. _Three guys in particular handling the physical stuff in this round. All of them at least 5 inches taller than their target, armed with crazy show-off muscles clearly built in the gym._

_Bet they don't even fight that well, all muscles and no brain._

Their target had brunette hair and wasn't really looking weak or small in particular rather kinda firm.

 _Pretty much average._ _He may even would have chances in an one vs one, but 3 against one at the moment and probably 4 more when he would try to fight back… bad cards buddy._

Already in disadvantage he seemed to have chosen the strategically more intelligent card: _Shutting your mouth and not fighting back._

The tall guy in front of him used his left hand to jerk him up against the wall for support. His veins were popping out of his neck. _No good._

"Do you think we are easy?! DIE FUCKER!" 

The right hand shot up and grabbed the brunette's face swinging it back. His head banged against the wall with full force. A raw and loud thud was heard and all heads turned towards the fucked one. A sound so loud that it might as well has been the guy's skull cracking. At the unexpected hard violence shivers ran down He Tian's arms, not affecting his straight poker face. He had seen worse but still that sound was really terrifying. _You can fucking kill someone like that. They_ are _fooling around with something not freaking laughable, no sense for consequences at all. Those big guys really have no brain, don't they know, do they even have an idea what they are doing right now!? geez…You're being used big shits._

It was pissing He Tian off a hella lot. 

_This systematic shit._

The brunette slowly glided down the wall behind him, the only thing that had still kept him on his feet till now. A red stream of blood followed him. Tian didn't want to imagine how the back of his head looked like right now. 

He wasn't even sure if the guy was still mentally there until he started coughing up blood and vomit. It's splattered down and hit the floor. Laughing and disgusted noises were the main reactions.

_Most likely a concussion, a pretty hard one._

"You should have thought about that before borrowing money, you little son of a bitch! " _No pity nor mercy at all, thoughtlessly justifying everything with money._

_Oh how I hate such assholes._

Still Tian didn't move an inch, he just kept standing and watching. Nobody noticed him yet anyways, all eyes on the beaten up kid.

Barely audible the boy started to whimper, clearly out of it. Tears streamed down his face.

 _Natural reaction, not suppressible in that kind of state_. Tian had to find it out the hard way too, when he was hit in the adam's apple during training, he thought he would just choke and die. 

The brunette whatsoever stuttered out barely understandable words:

"I-I'm sorry we have trouble at home…an...and..my p-parents are getting divorced… wewe have no mone-Ackh! 

He was kicked in the stomach by another big guy, he had black hair and a definitely a way bigger temper and ego than his predecessor. "You know you are a piece of shit right?! Nobody cares about ur girly problems so stop making excuses already and better give us our money back!" another kick. _Ignorant. Verbal and physical abuse, bad combination. Fastest way to drive a person into suicide._ He made sure to remember that guy. Another kick, more splattered blood and lots of laughter followed now.

The situation was escalating and getting out of hand in all means. 

_I don't think he can take much more…_

Tian took another long drag. It was easy to see how things worked, if you looked at the whole picture. It was always the same story. The bulked up guys were in the fronts, getting done with the physical work. Some other guys just stood there laughing and enjoying themselves. Tian recognized most of them... _Typical popular and good looking guys, always being the bystanders_ … _another way to spend your time when being bored_ . _Frightening._

He Tian made a mental note to himself:

'No matter how bored u get with everyone, let's never sink this low!'

Last between all of them were the real deals. 

They weren't laughing or really watching. They were silently standing by making sure their business is done the right way. They gave the orders and in caught-in-action situations it were the once to handle the situation professionally: putting all of the blame onto the big guys only. _The big guys are replaceable. Those snakes with their followers aren't. That's the difference._

He Tian found him immediately: 

He stood out in the most passive and inconspicuous way possible. 

It was a tall guy with curly silver hair and a look that you couldn't describe with another word than 'dangerous'. His eyes were glued onto the silver haired, a face already familiar to him. 

Tian was part of the popular side in school, but it wasn't meaning that he didn't knew what else was going on in his territory.

His deadly glare towards the group was getting noticed now and the weaklings between them gave the boys in action signals to stop. They met each other's gaze…yellow mendacious eyes met his grey icy once. 

Tian had power, he had teachers and students on his side and besides that he was loaded. Everyone knew it and even if it wasn't respect which the bastards in front of him had for him, it at least was the knowledge that they couldn't mess with him. Nobodys were okay to mess with, no problem, but everything had its limits, even they knew when to stop. 

He Tian finally spoke for the first time. He looked intimidating shoulders fully straight making his height look even more prominent, lit cigarette in his mouth and deadly glare on as he calmly said "This is my place" 

The bullys backed off from their victim and the before inconspicuous silver haired made a move now. The mood switched immediately. _Total change in atmosphere._

Tian took a another drag. The silver haired pulled the guy up a bit by his blood smeared collar. Close to the beaten up's ear his face stopped. Whatever he had said, the boy that was barely holding onto his consciousness in a way that would make you assume he couldn't react anymore, now showed a expression full of misery. The false bastard dropped him again and gave the other guys a gesture to leave. He carelessly put his hands full of blood in his pocket as if the situation they were in was the most natural thing to him. He calmly walked towards He Tian and obviously intentionally met Tian's gaze:

"Don't worry, we won't show up at your place anymore" 

And just like that with an ugly little smirk on his face he walked past him. His accomplices following right after him visibly more annoyed by the interruption than their leader.

Usually such encounters didn't occur often. There was an unspoken rule that everyone followed:

'Don't meddle into each other's businesses.' 

Especially the powerful people on top of the official school hierarchy like He Tian and the people that he was faced with a moment ago knew how to avoid each other. They had their own unofficial hierarchy going on and those right now were some of their top tiers. Not just some little bullying, they took down a strong tall boy to the point where he probably will suffer from permanent damage. 

Both parties were powerful in their own ways. They tolerated each others presence knowing they could screw each other over. Nobody wanted to start an unnecessary fuss, avoiding each other was always for the best. 

Everyone had left. He Tian looked at the passed out boy one last time, disfigured face, frozen on the floor. _Uncivil._ He dropped his cigarette and stepped on it, making the burning ash disappear under his foot. He left. 

His intention never was helping the boy, he wasn't warm hearted enough for that crap.

 _No need to get myself_ into shit. He had seen people get beat up by his brother's people way worse often enough, they would beg and whimper just like that too.

Nothing special. _It's not my business. I don't care what they do but they better don't pull that shit in my territory anymore._

Tian hated to see weakness portrayed right in front of his face and to this extent.

_Annoying shit._

He knew how things worked they wouldn't change no matter how annoyed or bothered he was by them so not to caring was simpler. It was better for his mood and after all…

_… It's not my business._

_I ain't a fucking Saint either and this isn't my mess to clean._

Even telling those things to himself he couldn't help but make sure that someone found him soon enough. 

Tian was sitting in his classroom half listening to his English teacher and half daydreaming. Considering that He Tian's family was pretty active outside of the country Tian was pretty much fluent in English by now. He didn't bother concentrating when he was still overwhelmed with the feeling from before. 

He felt superior and pissed at once. The way that bastard looked at him drove him crazy. ' _What a fucker'_ he whispered. 

"You talking bout yourself?" Tian answered with a pen that flew into his friends direction, only earning him a little chuckle in response. 

_Cute._

To Tian it was not an uncommon thought by now. Since quite some time he noticed himself checking out guys a little bit more than he probably should. 

_Healthy curiosity. I'm a teenage boy after all._ He always wondered why people were so unflexibel, nowadays everything was so global and open. The whole hate wave against everything new in this digital and international world seemed pretty useless to him. People were exchanging culture, knowledge, traditions and still the intolerance level was so high. 

_Maybe I'm not the best person to talk about morals but honestly that's total crap._

If some people wouldn't be caught up in the past so much he bet that the world could be a greater place. Anyways to him especially one aspect wasn't really tragical: sexuality, his own in particular. He was open to mess around and he didn't really put an effort into hiding it, although he wasn't overly obvious either. 

He kept a good balance just like with his emotions. Lots of people were openly thirsty for him, especially older female colleagues of his father and he couldn't really complain. He was proud of his looks and loved the way he was looked at but he was kinda full of it from the female side by now. It was routine and it became boring. So rather than doing the regular, checking out other guys when changing and sometimes switching to gay porn in the middle of a jerk off session, became a little guilty pleasure of his. 

The exception of yesterday not so surprising whatsoever. He was touchy and close all the time as well but that wasn't really caused by his attraction rather it was a habit. Some of his friends pointed that out to him but he really didn't saw the problem. 

_Wasn't everyone like that all the time?_

No one ever stopped him _, it can't be that horrible._

After the English class had passed it finally was time to look for his new puppy. 

Tian found him rather fast when coming up the stairs. Jian Yi was standing at the window by the staircase looking at the trees outside. 

_He looks down…_ _kinda sad too._

That's not what he was expecting at all. 

Jian Yi always seemed to cheer everyone up, having a good mood basically all the time. 

_Today is different._ He wasn't close enough to him yet but he could sense the mood.

Tian couldn't help it, he was curious. 

_What could have made him feel that way?_

He came into Jian Yi's space. Tian new first place how it was to feel down and empty so the sympathy he felt was sincere, although his smile was a little fake. 

'In a bad mood today~? '

'Nah… I'm okay… '

_Oh man…_

He felt useless, clearly nothing was okay but what could he do. Asking further would be too inappropriate. _Sometimes you gotta know when to back off._

He knew it himself, he knew how you sometimes couldn't help but feel alone. Having someone by your side in those times was a rare pleasure, not easily granted. It was important and Tian didn't want to be entirely useless right now. He wanted to be a comfort even if only a little one. 

_I at least can do that._

'It's no big deal right~'

He patted Jian Yi's head with a bright smile on open display. 

'Right~?' 

He didn't knew what had happened to Jian Yi. Seeing him down like that made him regret the thoughts of yesterday evening and he now just felt sympathy towards the blond. Bearing with loneliness was hard and seeing someone suffer without being able to help felt even worse. He never felt like this before. 

_I thought dealing with my own shit was already hard enough…_

Tian must have done something right, because from now on Jian Yi was easier to approach. In fact so easy that the same day they already played basketball together, Jian Yi being cheerful again like nothing bad ever happened. 

_That guy has serious_ mood swings. 

Zhan Zheng Xi was outside of the field to rest, already having played last round. _My chance:_ Tian thought and put in everything. Jian Yi almost made a point but Tian wanted to impress him. He was a tease. A tease that could grab the ball shortly before it hit the basket making it miss. 

'How could that one miss??!!?!? ' Jian Yi complained annoyed while He Tian patted his head satisfied. _Hehe_. He wasn't a bad person but teasing others was way to much fun. 

_I must admit I may or not may kinda get off on it. Woah…_ Jian Yi's smile right now was way too pretty. It just had this contagious effect He Tian loved and he couldn't help but smile too. Although Jian Yi was already rushing of the court to Zhan Zheng Xi. 

_Those two really are something_. 

He Tian was aware of the little rumors going on about them. He actually had high hopes for a little fun with Jian Yi since he was openly acting the way he was with Zheng Xi. But it didn't took Tian long to notice that this kind of attraction only was pointed towards Xi… 

_… I still wanna try a little harder… stopping just like that would really be no fun._

And he did try. A few days of hair touching and skinship while playing basketball have passed, they were getting friendlier. 

Just not in the way he had hoped for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You can check out the '19 days' chapters :
> 
> 102:  
> To see He Tian comforting Jian Yi after he gave a girl's (Xiao Hui's) love letter to Zhan Zheng Xi. 
> 
> &
> 
> 103:  
> For athlete He Tian that playfully ruins Jian Yi while playing basketball. 
> 
> As you probably already guessed She Li was the silver haired boy. I feel like even before those guys "knew" each other personally, encounters like that must have happened. It is pretty much not possible that two powerful people like them didn't got into each others ways at all, moving around in the same little territory. So yeah, even before our Guan Shan is introduced we already have to deal with him. That's it from me.  
> Bye see u next week~


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